


Shadows of the past

by WinterCap221b



Category: Marvel
Genre: Alternate Universe, Avengers Tower, Bucky Barnes Feels, F/M, Feels, Mild Smut, Post-Civil War (Marvel), Secrets, buckynat - Freeform, winterwidow - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 14:56:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8921476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterCap221b/pseuds/WinterCap221b
Summary: After the events during "Civil War" Bucky is allowed to stay at the Avengers Tower. However, most of the others don't trust him and would rather have him leave. Only Natasha seems to know more about him than she cares to admit. What does she hide and why?





	1. Chapter 1

“I don’t care what Steve says, I don’t trust that guy.” Sam put the pan down on the oven and placed a plate with a towering mountain of pancakes on the kitchen island. “May I remind you that he tried to kill all of us - including Steve! – when we last saw him?”  
”But that wasn’t him,” Natasha said helping herself to a pancake. “Hydra brainwashed him and he couldn’t control his actions.”  
“And who’s to say that this has changed? He might be playing a trick on us. Pretending to be his old self again when really he was only sent here to spy on us and kill us in our sleep.”  
“But we’re still alive, aren’t we? Even though he slept here last night.”  
“Yeah and Stark had one of his suits standing guard in front of his room,” Sam said sitting down opposite Natasha just when Clint entered the kitchen. “So he doesn’t trust him either.”  
“Are we talking about Steve’s buddy?” Clint asked while pouring himself some coffee.   
“Yes. Sam is of the opinion that he is still dangerous. What do you think?”  
“Well, we don’t know much about him, do we?” Clint said with a shrug sitting down as well. “When Loki controlled my mind, it took a proper hit to the head for me to come back. I don’t think that was done to him. I’d offer to do it though.”  
“So you too think he is only pretending to be freed of Hydra?” Natasha said with an angry glare. “Haven’t you guys ever heard of giving someone a second chance?”  
“Of course we have but we also went through enough shit to know that it can be fatal to trust somebody too readily. And so have you, Nat. I’m surprised you defend him that much. You don’t know anything about him either. And I don’t think we can fully trust Steve’s judgement here. He’s clearly biased because they have a history together.”  
“We all have a history,” Natasha said angrily. “But we were given a second chance and I think he has the same right. If Steve trusts him, I trust him too.”  
Sam shook his head. “I don’t. No offence to Steve but Barton is right. There is no guarantee that guy won’t snap again and starts killing us. The sooner he leaves the better.”  
“Sorry to hear that,” a deep voice said behind them.  
They whirled around to see the Winter Soldier standing in the kitchen’s doorway, a Mark 8 hovering behind him. He wore sweatpants and a simple grey t-shirt, his long dark hair was wet from the shower.   
“Oh, um, morning,” Natasha blushed while the guys quickly grabbed their knives making it look as if they were only preparing to eat their pancakes.   
Of course Bucky wasn’t fooled. “It’s okay,” he said still standing in the doorway lifting his hands slightly to show that he wasn’t armed. “I wouldn’t trust me either. But that guy here is watching me, so we are save for the moment, I think.” He pointed at the suit behind him and took a step inside the kitchen. “Can I have some coffee?”  
“Help yourself,” Clint said watching him carefully as he walked over to the coffee machine.  
Natasha too didn’t avert her gaze from the Soldier’s muscular back. “About you leaving as soon as possible, Sam didn’t mean that.”  
“Yes, I did,” Sam said. “I don’t know what’s up with Natasha today but I prefer not to live under the same roof as a guy who tried to kill me.”  
Bucky nodded sadly. “I understand that and I apologise. That wasn’t me. Hydra had complete control over me, and you’re right that we don’t know whether that has really changed. Maybe there is still something dangerous lurking inside of me. But I hope you will give me the opportunity of showing you my true me. The old guy from the 40s.” He grinned slightly and Natasha felt a tingle go through her. If only….  
“Okay,” Clint said motioning to the seat next to Natasha. “Drink your coffee, eat a pancake, and we’ll see what the future brings. But be sure that we’ll keep a close eye on you. One false step and we’ll find a nice little cell for you at SHIELD’s HQ to rot in.”  
“Thank you.”  
When Bucky sat down his flesh arm accidentally brushed against Natasha’s and her heart skipped a beat. Pull yourself together! she told herself hoping that none of the others had noticed her shudder. Never let your emotions rule your head! He has no idea and now is definitely not the time to tell him!


	2. Chapter 2

An hour later, they were all assembled in the Tower’s conference room. After they had talked about their usual everyday matters, Steve finally approached the topic they were all so eager to discuss.  
“Thank you, everyone, for letting Bucky stay here for the time being. I really appreciate that.”  
“Whoa,” Sam interrupted him. “Did we have a say in this? ‘Cause I wasn’t asked if it was okay for me. Was any of you guys?”  
Everyone shook their head. Only Tony nodded. “Yes, he asked me. After all, this is my house.”  
“And you just let him stay?! What is wrong with you?”  
“Hey! I’d rather have him here where I can keep an eye on him than running wild posing a threat to everyone!”  
“So you’d rather have him pose a threat to us?” Sam shook his head in bewilderment. “This is nuts, man.”  
“Bucky isn’t a threat to anyone!” Steve said angrily. “He escaped Hydra weeks ago and his memories are coming back!”  
Natasha lifted her gaze and looked at him anxiously. Did they? All of them?  
“And did he say how he escaped?” Clint asked. “How he got them out of his head? Who says they really left? We have no idea what’s going on in his mind. Maybe it only needs a specific word or situation to trigger him again!”  
“Okay, I’m in the room!” Bucky roared slamming his metal fist on the table and making them jump. “Stop treating me like a dog! I know I fucked up! There’s not a day that goes by without me wishing I had died in that ravine all those years back. I would happily jump off this tower if it would make all the horrible things I have done undone – but that’s impossible! I know you guys don’t trust me, and you have every right to do so! But there is no need to constantly remind me of what a horrible monster I am!” He got up and stormed out of the room, the Mark 8 suit silently following him.  
“Well done, guys,” Steve said before heading for the door as well. “Thank you very much indeed.”  
An awkward silence filled the room when he had left.  
“That really wasn’t okay,” Natasha said. “After all that he’s been through. You guys have no idea how much he has suffered.”  
Clint raised an eyebrow. “But you do?”  
“What? No! No, of course not, I just thought that …”  
“You’re acting really strange today, Tasha. Are you sure everything’s okay?”  
“Yes! I’m just saying we should give him a chance, that’s all. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go and tell him that he can stay as long as he wants to. And you better pull yourselves together! This is ridiculous!”  
She left the room and headed for the elevator. When the doors had closed behind her, she leaned against its wall and closed her eyes taking a deep breath. Her heart was hammering against her chest and her head was spinning. She had to get this under control. The others began to become suspicious and she wasn’t ready to tell anyone yet what was bothering her. If only the man from the past wasn’t stirring up her own past that much…


	3. Chapter 3

Over the next couple of days, the team slowly got used to Bucky’s presence. They no longer bullied him and even integrated him in their training sessions.  
When Natasha entered the Tower’s gym about a week after Bucky’s arrival, she found Clint in a serious arm wrestling competition with Bucky. Sam and Steve stood behind them cheering them on. However, less than thirty seconds passed until Clint’s hand was slammed on the table. “That’s not fair!” he complained. “I’m left-handed!”   
Bucky grinned and looked at his metal arm. “Do you want me to battle you with my left hand?”  
Clint murmured something inaudible and got up. “Hey, Tasha, wanna go for a round against the Winter Soldier?”  
“Arm wrestling? I don’t think so.”  
“Then how about a nice hand-to-hand combat? I’m telling you, man, Natasha can kick some serious ass.”  
“I have seen that,” Bucky said looking questioningly at Natasha who felt her cheeks go hot and shook her head. “No, seriously, guys. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  
“I’m not going to hurt you.”  
Natasha laughed involuntarily. “No, I know you won’t.”  
“Okay, okay, enough sweet talk,” Steve said slamming his huge hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “Let’s see some action. We all fought him.”  
“And you all lost,” Bucky added with a grin before getting up and walking over to the floor mats.  
Natasha followed him trying to ignore the flood of images and memories that was threatening to overcome her. How many times had she followed him like this? Eager to learn from him, to be taught the best fighting and survival techniques. But that was long ago in a life that only she remembered and that nobody else knew of.  
“Alright,” Steve said when Natasha and Bucky had taken their positions. “We’re going over three rounds. As soon as one of you can’t get up anymore, the round is over. Ready?”  
They nodded.  
“Okay. Three, two, one, GO!”  
Bucky immediately lunged at Natasha but she quickly dodged him and attacked him from behind. Within seconds she was back at the time when she had been his student. Having spent months of training with him, she now knew his next move even before he did and was always one step ahead of him.   
While Bucky still tried to figure out how she was doing what she was doing, Natasha took advantage of his confusion pulling his legs from under him with a quick kick and pinning him to the floor. Breathing heavily she sat on his chest while the boys watched her open-mouthed. With difficulty she tore her gaze from the steel-blue eyes looking up at her in bewilderment.   
“Never underestimate a woman,” she said as casually as possible while getting up. “I told you this wasn’t a good idea.” And without looking back she left the gym, her heart racing and her body burning in every place he had touched.


	4. Chapter 4

“You should have seen her, Tony!” Clint said enthusiastically when they sat at dinner in the evening. “It was like she was reading his mind! Whatever he did, she already knew it was coming, and bam! Five minutes later, she had him on the floor!”  
“It wasn’t a big deal,” Natasha murmured keeping her eyes on her lasagne and continuing to stab her fork into it without eating.  
“Not a big deal? You beat the super soldier!”  
“Maybe he just let me win.”  
“Oh no,” Steve shook his head. “He would never do that. Buck’s a good guy but he would never cheat in a fight.”  
“I bet you beating him is the reason he’s skipping dinner today,” Sam grinned filling his plate again. “Can’t say I’m particularly sorry for seeing his ass being kicked by a girl.”  
“Excuse me.” Natasha couldn’t stand it any longer and left the room. She didn’t care about the surprised calls from the guys behind her. All she could think about were the penetrating blue eyes and the muscular body of the man who would never be hers again. Hot tears stung in her eyes and her heart felt like it was being squashed by a fist. A metal fist that had no idea what it was doing to her. How was she supposed to continue a normal life when all of a sudden she was pulled back into the past, the scars on her heart and soul being torn open again bleeding a pain that was almost impossible to bear? For decades she had believed him dead. She had suppressed the memories of the torture that had been done to her after their failed escape but she had never forgotten him.   
And now he was back, and whatever they had done to him, it had eradicated every single memory of her in him. When she looked at him, there wasn’t the slightest sign of recognition in his face. She was a stranger and she had to somehow learn to live with the fact that the love of her life had no idea who she was.  
Heading for her room she was so lost in thought that she didn’t pay attention to where she was going, and when she turned around a corner, she bumped right into someone going the opposite direction.  
“Woah, careful!” that someone said grabbing her by her arms to keep her from loosing balance. Natasha froze when she felt the cold metal on her skin.  
“Bucky!” she gasped trying to free herself but he didn’t let go.   
“Natasha.” It was the first time he called her by name and she felt like she’d been stabbed with a knife. This wasn’t her name. Not the one he used to know her by anyway. “I was hoping to finally meet you alone.”  
Natasha swallowed and kept her eyes locked on his chest. “Why?”  
“Because you’re avoiding me and I want to know why.”  
Natasha blushed crimson and took a step back when he loosened his grip. “I – I’m not avoiding you.”  
“Yes, you are. See, you’re doing it again. Do you think I don’t notice that you can barely stand to be in the same room with me? Is there anything I have done wrong?”  
“No! No of course not. Everything’s fine. You’re imagining things.”  
“I don’t think so.” He placed his finger under her chin forcing her face upwards, so she had to look him in the eyes. “Who are you, Natasha? How were you able to beat me when none of the guys could? There’s something about you that really confuses me.”  
It took all her willpower for Natasha to hold back the tears. “I’m nobody,” she managed to say. “And earlier in the gym I was just lucky. Sorry if it hurt your ego.”  
“This isn’t about my ego. I’m okay with being beaten in a fair fight, but it’s like you know something about me that I don’t. There is still so much I don’t remember, so if you know something, please tell me.”  
His eyes seemed to penetrate her soul and she wanted to tell him everything. How they had met at Hydra’s secret facility all those years ago. How he had been her teacher turned lover and how their attempt to escape had horribly failed. But not a single word passed her lips.  
“Natasha…”  
“Please. All I know is what Steve told us about you. That’s the truth. You have to believe me.”  
He kept looking at her like he was trying to read her mind. Then he took a step back and his expression hardened. She could tell that he didn’t believe her and that he was hurt. “Fine,” he said. “Sorry I bothered you.” He turned around and walked away, leaving Natasha alone and feeling worse than she had ever felt before.


	5. Chapter 5

Natasha didn’t sleep all night and in the morning she got up before everyone else did to run a few miles in the park. When she returned and headed for the showers, she heard voices coming from Steve’s room. She meant to walk past but then she heard someone mention her name and she carefully walked closer to listen.  
“I really don’t know why she hates me that much,” Bucky’s dark voice said. “It’s like I did something terrible to her but I don’t know what and when. Plus, there’s that strange feeling that I met her before. I cannot place it but there’s something about her… I don’t know how to explain it. Are you sure I never came across her during one of my missions?”  
“I don’t think so,” Steve replied thoughtfully. “She never mentioned you, and why should she keep that from you?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“Do you want me to talk to her?”  
“No. I tried that yesterday and all she said was that I was imagining things and that everything was fine. Like I couldn’t tell she was lying! She couldn’t even look me in the eyes!”  
“I don’t get it. She’s never been like this before.”  
“Maybe it’s best if I leave again. The other guys don’t really want me to be here either, so…”  
“What are you talking about? You can’t leave. Where would you go? You’re not save out there.”  
“Oh, don’t worry. I was made to survive. I’ll pack my things and leave as soon as possible.”  
“Bucky…”  
Natasha heard steps approaching the door and quickly retreated to an empty room on the other side of the hallway. A moment later, Bucky walked past without noticing her.  
Natasha’s mind was spinning. What had she done? No matter how much it hurt to see him and not being able to tell him the truth, the last thing she wanted was for him to go! She had to make him realise that she was fine with him staying and that her strange behaviour had nothing to do with him!  
Not thinking clearly, she left the room and hurried after him. He was just about to open the door to his room, when she called him.  
“James!”  
She saw him freeze, then turn around slowly. “What did you just call me?”  
Horror-struck she realised what she had said but she didn’t back away and repeated it. “James.”  
“Say it again.”  
“James.”  
“Again.”  
“James.”  
With every time, her voice grew fainter and he took a step closer to her. His eyes never left hers and an indescribable mixture of horror, shock and disbelief lay on his face as a wave of memories crushed over him.  
“Natalia…,” he whispered coming to a stop a mere inch from her. “That’s impossible…”  
Not daring to breathe Natasha held his gaze, and a second later, his lips met hers, his hands cupping her face, tears streaming down her cheeks as she felt the warmth return to her body and her head go dizzy with happiness. He was back. He remembered her. And he still loved her.  
When he broke the kiss, his eyes had turned dark. He still had her face in his hands looking at her like he couldn’t believe she was actually there. As if he was expecting to wake from a dream any moment. “Natalia. My sweet little Natalia.” His voice was hoarse and full of emotion. “How are you still so … It’s been decades…”  
Natasha smiled sadly through her tears. “You’re not the only one they did experiments on, James.”  
“No!” The horror returned to his face. “Tell me that’s not true. Tell me they didn’t hurt you!”  
Natasha didn’t reply and Bucky broke from her looking like he was about to kill whoever was unlucky enough to cross his way within the next minutes. “What did they do? Did they torture you? I have to find them. They will pay for what they have done!”  
“James, please. It’s been decades. They are probably all long dead.”  
“I don’t care,” Bucky growled looking around wildly trying to keep himself from punching a hole into the wall. “I will destroy their graves if necessary! Those monsters! Oh, this is all my fault. I dragged you into this and then I didn’t protect you. I should have been there for you. I’m so sorry, Natalia. So terribly sorry.”  
Natasha put her hand on his arm and he immediately snapped back into focus looking at her with sadness and despair shining in his eyes. “It’s not your fault, James. We were prepared to die and for all those years, I thought you did. Yes, they did horrible things to me. To both of us. Just thinking about how much you must have suffered breaks my heart. But those experiments kept us young, and now we may be able to continue where we left off. If you want to…”  
Instead of an answer Bucky wrapped his arms around her pulling her into another kiss, sweet and soft and so full of a love that tried to make up for all the years they had lost.


	6. Chapter 6

“I’m so glad the two of you could clear things up,” Steve said an hour later. “Imagine Bucky would have left because of a silly misunderstanding.”  
“Yes, it really was silly,” Natasha nodded. “Let’s not talk about it anymore.”  
“Exactly,” Bucky agreed. “We’ll start afresh like nothing ever happened. Now if anyone asks for me, I’m at the gym.”  
“Right,” Steve said getting up. “I need to get going too. I promised Sam to go to the Veterans Festival with him. Tony left for some conference in Washington half an hour ago, and Clint is teaching archery over at the youth center. So I’m glad you get along, otherwise I’d have a really bad feeling leaving the two of you alone.”  
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt her,” Bucky promised.  
“I was more worried about you, pal,” Steve laughed clapping Bucky’s shoulder and leaving the room with them.  
Bucky immediately went to the gym and Natasha left for her own room.  
Half an hour later, when she had made sure that everyone else had left, she entered the gym as well.  
Bucky lay on a bench pushing weights, sweat glittering on his bare chest.  
“Hey there,” Natasha said strolling over to him smiling.  
“Hey.” He dropped the weights and sat up grabbing her hand and pulling her on his lap. “Come to join me?”  
“In a way.” She took his face in her hands and kissed him softly. “I missed you so much, James. Not a day has gone by that I didn’t think about you.”  
“I wish I could say the same,” he replied hoarsely running his fingers through her hair and down her back. “I love you so much.” She shivered slightly.  
“It’s okay,” she whispered between kisses. “You’re back and that’s the only thing that matters.”  
“And I’m never going to leave again.”  
A soft moan escaped her when he started to plant kisses on her eyes, nose, jaw and down her throat, his lips only leaving her long enough to pull her t-shirt over her head.   
With a quick flick he opened her bra and tossed it away. Then he continued to explore her body.  
It was different than when they had slept with each other back at the Hydra facility. Back then, they had lived in constant fear of being caught. They had been quick and desperate, never feeling entirely free.  
But now they were save and alone and Bucky took his time.   
His lips leaving a trail of hot kisses on her body she couldn’t remember when they had gotten rid of their pants.   
His hands grabbed her hips firmly as he lowered her down on him, his metal hand being an exciting contrast on her hot skin. They quickly found a rhythm, his every move hitting a spot deep inside of her that made her vision go blurry and her head spin with pleasure. She dug her nails into his skin making him hiss from pain and excitement.   
A hoarse curse left his lips as her walls clenched around him taking him over the edge as well.   
“I love you,” he whispered leaning his forehead against hers.  
“I love you too.”  
“What the fuck?!”  
They whirled around to see Clint standing in the gym’s entrance, a group of teenagers standing behind him gaping at them in disbelief.  
“Clint!” Natasha flushed and hastily grabbed her clothes to cover herself. “It’s not what it looks like!”  
“It looks like you two are having sex in the gym!”  
“O-okay. It is what it looks like. But let me explain!”  
Clint turned to the boys behind him who were standing up on tiptoes and craning their necks to get a better view. “Out! Everyone out! Lesson is over. I’ll see you next week.”  
The boys protested but Clint shoved them back into the elevator. “Jarvis, get them out of here,” he told the Tower’s intelligent operating system before returning to the gym.   
In the meantime, Bucky and Natasha had quickly gotten dressed and now looked at him with a mixture of embarrassment and guilt on their faces.   
“Right,” Clint said trying hard to stay calm. “What did I miss? Last night you flipped just because we talked about him, and now this?”  
Natasha sighed and looked up to Bucky like she was hoping he would take over the explanation. “It’s a very long story,” she finally said. “I may not have told you everything about me.”  
“Yes, I think so too.”   
“James and I have a past,” she continued. “A … a very dark one to be honest and it’s not easy to talk about it. There are parts that I have suppressed and that I don’t want to remember… but I will never forget that I have loved him ever since we met.”   
She set off to tell Clint the main facts of their story, and when she had finished, he looked like he wasn’t sure whether to believe what he had just heard or whether he was expecting someone to jump out from behind the door yelling “gotcha!” and pointing at the hidden cameras.  
“I need a beer,” was all he said.   
“Clint, please. I know this is a lot to process. And I understand that you’re mad at me. But please don’t tell the others. Not yet.”  
“That’s just crazy. You’re almost seventy? And you were Hydra? You never mentioned a single word about that. I thought we were friends!”  
“Of course we are! But how was I supposed to tell you about this? I thought James was dead, and that episode of my life was something I just wanted to forget because thinking about the horrible things that were done to us hurt like crazy!”  
“Yes, I understand that, it’s just … I really need that beer.”  
“Do you promise me not to tell the others?”  
“Yes, I promise. I'm not saying anything,” Clint nodded. “But you won’t be able to keep that a secret for very long. You just had a group of pubescent teenage boys walk in on you … doing it. It’s probably going viral right now.”  
“Alright, we will tell them tonight,” Bucky said putting his arm around Natasha’s shoulder. “It’s best when they hear it from us.”  
They left the gym and walked to the kitchen to get Clint the beer he was craving so badly.  
When they opened the door, Steve, Tony and Sam were already there, laptops and smartphones in front of them. Upon their arrival, the three of them looked up, disbelief on their faces.  
“You two had sex?!”   
While Natasha and Bucky blushed and didn’t know what to say, Clint burst into laughter. “I told you,” he said opening a beer. “There are no secrets in the twenty-first century.”


End file.
